Ninfia: The Ribbon Type Pokemon

So if you're me, ya already heard about Eevee's new frou-frou evolution. I ain't got no words for this beast except...

NEW POKEMON EVOLUTIONS CONFIRMED!

That's alright by me. Maybe it'll finally give us Luvdisc's reason to exist. Nah, probably it ain't gonna.

So this patootie is none other than Ninfia. I ain't got a clue, though, what type it is. Everyone's got a theory, lots of 'em are crackpot ideas.

Me? I think it's Normal. Others say Flying. An' others say "Magic", but I ain't gonna believe in a magic type.

I can tell ya what it AIN'T. Steel, Rock, an' Poison. Cross 'em off yer lists.

Speakin' of types, some folks believe Xerneas an' Yveltal are Light an' Sound.

I ain't gonna doubt it. I think it makes too much sense. If that's so, then maybe Ninfia CAN be Magic. But here's why I ain't think so:

1. Magic is just Psychic. It ain't nothing but that. Plus, Magic is also Ghost. Think about it, ain't ya?

2. Magic is too dang vague. Ya can make any Pokemon "Magic". Clefairy? Magic! Togepi? Magic! Pikachu? Hey, MAGIC. I ain't able to shoot thunder from my butt. I calls it like I sees it: Magic.

3. Magic ain't got any basis. Types like Fire an' Water mean they got the power of fire an' water. Psychics got power of mind. But Magic means that they can do anything. They can use ANY power. And that ain't fair. Even Normal types can't use some moves!

So I ain't trustin' Magic. Space, though, might be. After all, it got stars as an attack.

We'll see! But Gamefreak, this is a cruel prank on us! Leafeon is obviously a Grass Pokemon! Why can't Ninfia be obvious too?

Finally, evolution method. I say this: Eevees usually are more male than female. So why not make it evolve into Ninfia as a female only? I dunno, sounds legit.

That's all for today. Tune in next time, an' maybe Luvdisc will get an evolution.

Pokemon X and Y

I coulda sworn it was gonna be Pokemon Volcano Ruby an' Pokemon Ocean Sapphire! They even had items that ain't got no use in-game! But nope! It was all a joke!

Instead, we got somethin' better: Pokemon X an' Pokemon Y.

I ain't got a 3DS, but this is gonna make me get one. Hey, I got practically a year before I need it! I can geddit before October!

The best thing to do is analyze what we know so far. So I'm gonna start with the names. The freakin' names.

"X" an' "Y" don't make no good names for Pokemon games. The color scheme worked, an' I get why they'd drop it finally, but X an' Y are too generic to actually find with ease! Like "N".

Plus, it don't make much sense. Is it a math Pokemon game this time? I can say that Pokemon Black an' White ain't black an' white. See? 'Cause the game talks about conflictin' ideas. So why X an' Y?

LEGENDARIES, THAT'S WHY.

They ain't gave us no names yet, but don't they both look like Y? I gotta say, I'm glad to get rid of the Dragon legendaries. They was too much.

They also ain't the only Pokemon revealed. We also get the starters! AWESOME! So let's look at 'em!

Already failed! It's just Oshawott repackaged! I gotta say though, it's nice that the Grass starter ain't a frickin' reptile like every generation ever.

This got promise! It don't look like no Fighting type, nor a Journey to the West guy! I like him!

This I'm gonna get. I always got a soft spot for frogs, like the Poliwags an' Seismitoad. Plus, he's cute an' got ruffles! That's alright by me!

Then there's the graphics. Some don't like it. I do. I like it a lot. It's got promise for a new generation with possibilities.

Which is my problem with Pokemon X an' Y. Black an' White never stood a chance. We never got games that makes us care enough outside of the main line. Magnagate? Not even all of the Pokemon from Gen 5. Pokepark? Not interested.

It's also real soon. Not even five years go by an' this comes out? What a world!

But I'm excited for the games. Hopefully there's actually new mechanics or I'll just be the Peeved Professor. Next time I'll talk about what I wanna. You don't gotta tune in, but you miss out that way.

Religion in Pokemon?

The world of Pokemon is like our world, but freakier. In Unova, they made it MUCH MORE like our world. They got cars, movies, sports, and gay people. No, not Burgh. That hiker at the ferris wheel.

So I ask. I yell it, actually...

IS THERE RELIGION IN POKEMON?

I mean, I don't wanna upset the balance of the series with religion, but it seems likely. They never say "God", but Pokemon like Arceus implies it.

I'm not even gonna touch that "Capturing God in a Pokeball". I ain't that dumb.

It's gotta be hinted at, guys. Take that place in the corner of Hearthome.

THAT IS SO OBVIOUSLY A CHURCH. Not to mention, the people say nothing but religious-like sentences. Also, there's no music. It ain't got no purpose, neither. No one gives you anything useful there. SO WHY IS IT IN THE GAME???

"I like shorts! They're comfy and easy to wear!" - Red and Blue 3:16

Yeah, so I guess there's religion in Pokemon. I'll quit bein' a fan if they ever make Pokemon Protestant and Pokemon Catholic. (The third game would be Pokemon Mormon.)

But it's kinda weird ta think about. Do some people worship Arceus and others Mew? Is Mew Jesus and Arceus God? Would that make Mewtwo the Antichrist? Darkrai'd be the devil, I guess.

Why ain't there a human God? I mean, God ain't human, but if He was really God, He wouldn't be able to GET CAUGHT IN A POKEBALL. Dammit, I couldn't hold back.

Mew just seems to be the true Pokemon God to me. He has more attack-variety since he can learn any TM. Can Arceus? NO. WHAT KINDA GOD IS HE ANYWAY?

Okay, God can't eat, since that'd be silly. So maybe like Him, Arceus is limited in his infinite ways...? HELL IF I KNOW.

Next time we'll talk about what I'd like to talk about. It ain't gonna be about religion.

Space Type: The Final Frontier

Pokemon is running out of type possibilities. There, it's out there!

Last time Pokemon fixed the ol' typing chart was in good ol' Gold an' Silver! Back then, two types meant WORLDS of opportunities!

Now what, though? Think about it. Water has been paired with all of 'em but Fire. Flying's matched up with everything but Fighting. The other types are gonna be paired up sooner or later! You're gonna get screwed, Pokemon people!

So whatcha gonna do about it? Are ya gonna leave it until ya decided ta cancel the franchise?

OR YOU CAN COME UP WITH SOME NEW POKEMON TYPES.

Don't gimme that look. You know they should. What else could they do?

I want a Space type. I can list ya some good type combinations and the resulting Pokemon!

-Space/Rock: Meteor. Yeah, Solrock an' Lunatone, but that ain't never stopped 'em before!

-Space/Fire: Sun. Not Solrock, ya numbnuts! Where are all the sun-based Pokemon? NOT SUNFLORA. IT'S A SUNFLOWER. Name me a Fire-type Sun Pokemon. NOT VOLCARONA. It's like the sun, not literally.

-Space/Dark: BLACK HOLE. WHERE'S A BLACK HOLE POKEMON???

-Space/Ice: Pluto. Yeah, that's right.

Space/Dragon: A SPACE DRAGON. WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE?

I ain't gonna give 'em all to ya like that! I gotta give ya some trouble, Gamefreak!

There's other Pokemon type options, guys! How about Virtual? Porygon exists! So build on that with Virtual-type Pokemon!

"After creating Porygon, we realized the possibilities for new Pokemon were limitless. So we created an email Pokemon. Unfortunately, it evolved into Spamack, a Virtual/Dark type. Despite this error, we didn't give up. We created more Virtual Pokemon, such as Texatule, the Font Pokemon, which is much more impressive than Unown since they can be Tahoma or Arial, not just some stupid letter. We also created the Virtual/Psychic type Innernette, which know what we want by asking it."

Somethin' like that! I dunno how these would be in battle, but it's somethin' to go on! Besides, there's plenty of artificial Pokemon! Castform, Mewtwo, Genesect, maybe Ditto if ya read between the lines, the whole Porygon family...

An' Space type too! Come on! There's the Clefairy family, Elgyem an' Beheeyem, Solrock an' Lunatone, Deoxys, Jirachi, Giratina, Unown... Some of 'em aren't even from the same world!

So don't limit your choices to 17 Pokemon types! Expand! EXPAND! Enjoy!

Next time we'll talk about what I like to talk about, which isn't what you like reading about.

Catch All 144!

Okay, let's talk about this.

144 Pokemon? For real? What kind of Pokemon game in this day and age would do that? You have a world of Pokemon! In the Mystery Dungeon series, it's LITERALLY a world of Pokemon! So why limit the world to only 144 possibilities?

I mean, WHAT? 144 isn't even the amount of Pokemon they introduced into Unova! So did they leave out Unova Pokemon?

Uhhhhh, YEAH. And not just "hidden legendaries", neither! I mean, Keldeo is in the game, so what's the deal?

They left out of Unova:

-Purrloin and Liepard. Well, okay, ya could do a lot worse than that!

-The Pidove family. WHAT?! Hey, Unfezant rocks, people! Males, that is.

-Sawk and Throh. Whatever. They aren't missed or nothin'.

-Basculin. REALLY WON'T MISS 'EM.

-Darumaka and Darmanitan. HEY! FIRE TYPES ARE IMPORTANT, YA NUMBNUTS!

-Maractus. But ya can leave out most Grass types like this.

-Sigilyph. REALLY? REALLY? THAT AWESOME NOT-BIRD THING?

-The Solosis family. BUT THEY LEFT IN THE GOTHITA FAMILY? WHY?!

-The Vanillite family. DON'T EXCLUDE WHAT LITTLE ICE TYPES YA GOT!

-Deerling and Sawsbuck. Yeah, kinda pointless to have 'em if you don't even need seasons in the game.

-Karrablast and Escavalier. Also, Shelmet and Accelgor. I get it, the tradin' business is hard to pull off in this.

-Frillish and Jellicent. Ohhhhhh, I get it now. You left out 'em and Unfezant 'cause it's too hard to make gender differences. LAZY.

-Alomomola. Better'n Luvdisc, but I kinda geddit.

-Ferroseed and Ferrothorn. Are they even Pokemon?

-The Tynamo family. WHY? THEY'RE SO COOL!

-Elgyem and Beheeyem. I KNOW that they ain't Pokemon.

-Stunfisk. Meh.

-Bouffalant. Okay, is there somethin' about Pokemon that don't evolve? WHY?

-Heatmor and Durant. Okay, that's gotta be it. They didn't want Pokemon that don't evolve. They kept some in, but took a lot out. WHY???

-Pretty much any Pokemon you actually want.


SO WHY? Why the downgrade? Was it the new 3D effects? Was it too hard to make 'em all in 3D? Not enough room for programming? Yet ya can fit in 649 Pokemon usually! So why the upset of a game?

I don't care that there's only 5 starters. I don't. 'Cause at least they give you a choice. BUT THE LACK OF OPTIONS DOESN'T CONVINCE ME TO BUY THE GAME!

Actually, I don't even got a 3DS. This game sure ain't enough to make me wanna get one. Pokemon people, ya messed up big this time!

Next time we'll talk about what I wanna talk about. Tune in anyway.

Luvdisc, The Pokemon Troll

Who thought this was a good idea? Really, I know you heard it all before, but how is this Pokemon okay? Let's see why it sucks:

-Crap stats (Only good stat is SPEED???)

-Bland typing (Water. Freakin' great.)

-No evolution (I'll go into that.)

-Limited movepool (SUUUUUUUUUCKS.)

It's just the butt of every Pokemon joke. All you get from it is Heart Scales, but even now you can get them easier than findin' one of these jerks!

What's really cruel about its existence is Alomomola. Look at it!

That actually looks kinda cool! The perfect evolution for Luvdisc, right?

COME ON.

Gamefreak, why did you do this? Everything adds up! Same typing! Close designs! Perfect evolution choice! SO WHY DOESN'T LUVDISC EVOLVE INTO THIS???

That's why Luvdisc is the perfect troll Pokemon. Just when you think it'll stop sucking, it just sucks even more.

Next time we'll talk about what I wanna. Better tune in, or you'll miss out.

Pit Pat. Join Avenue is WEIRD

Alright, listen up! Players of Pokemon Black 2 and White 2! What's the most addictive feature in these games? Movies? NAH. Pokemon World Tournament? NOT AT ALL. No, you sad fools! It's Join Avenue!

Yeah, Join Avenue. Believe it or not, but it is!

See, the JA has stores that sell things that don't SUCK. Plus, the raffle stands are pretty sweet. I'm almost fooled that I can really get a Master Ball!

But it's freakin' weird. First off, when you first walk in the place. The boss is all like, "Hey, I'm busy! Wanna run a business?" Now, I'm no chump, so I said "NO." Really? What kinda guy trusts a kid with running his row of shops?

He wouldn't let me leave until I agreed, the freakin' numbnuts. There's probably something wrong with it anyway if he lets me run it. If not, I'll make it wrong. Just add eight shops with nothing but raffles, and BOOM! Outta business!

Next up, LOCATION. What would be the best location for a hotspot of stores? The Route 9 Mall is next to Opelucid, and the department stores of the world are in major cities. So where's your business take place?

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME???

Yeah, I know Nimbasa is directly on the other side, but the main entrance is Route 4. Yeah, that explains why the boss was so quick to give you this trainwreck.

The next problem I got is "Pit pat." WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? They already ask me for a title, a greeting, AND an excited sound! What the hell do these idiots mean by makin' up a phrase?

I also HATE all the customers. Here's some things they asked me for:

-"I want to go there... you know, THERE!" I thought this meant, "I want to go to the place with the highest ranking!" NOPE. It means, "Show me a shop with a male clerk." Ya know, the people who ask for women say that outright. WHY CAN'T YOU?

-"Is there a place where I can relax?" So I sent 'em to see Janus Fitness. Janus is cool. He's been with me from the beginning. Hey, what better way to relax than workin' out? NOPE. They want prissy flowers or food. JUST ASK ME OUTRIGHT! THERE'S ONLY EIGHT STORES!

-"Now, where do you think I should go?" Sent 'em to Janus. NOPE. Now they're bein' vague about the females! Okay, so why is this so hard to say, "I DON'T WANNA BUY NOTHIN', I'M JUST WINDOW SHOPPING!"? DON'T WASTE MY TIME!

-"I want to go to Janus Fitness." NOPE. They wanted to go to Jasper's Deli.

Freakin' tools, all of them!

Roxie came once, though. I gotta say, she's my kinda woman! She donated 1000 points to anywhere I sent her! Roxie's the one in my book!

Ya get rewards for reaching ranks. Assistants. THEY ALL SUCK. Especially Future. "Hey, let me tell you what would be a good shop to make!" He's no help at all! And what's the point of having both a PC and a guy to act as your PC? Or a nurse, really? NIMBASA IS RIGHT THERE! JUST GO HEAL! Or, if you don't wanna talk to Joy, deposit and withdraw your party.

One dumbass reward I got was, get this, CHANGING THE COLOR OF THE CEILING. The ceiling? Ya mean the one place in Pokemon YOU ALMOST NEVER SEE??? Come on! I know that the floor reflects the ceiling, but what's the point? You never get an option to change your hat, so why would anyone care about the floor?

I hate how it's time-exclusive. Really? Why is that needed? Why do customers only come once a day? That's STUPID.

I also hate when customers shop hop. You have to watch EVERY SINGLE INTERACTION. "Hey, nice shop!" "You like it? Check out Janus!" "I will!" "Welcome to Janus!" "As recommended, very nice!" "SHOP WENT UP 3 POINTS." Repeat over and over.

But Join Avenue is still a cool, addictive feature. Better'n the slots any day!

Next time we'll talk about what I wanna talk about. Don't like it? Read anyway, you might be surprised.